So, I’m now a whole two decades old. In ten years, I’ll be 30.
Am I the only one that’s a little wigged out about this state of affairs? Probably so, but just nod, smile and go along with it, please.
I’ve heard most of my life that I am “an old soul”, “wise beyond my years”, “mature”, etc. I see the “old soul” part, but not much else. I’ve learned things, but that’s just part of life. “Live and learn,” right? I wouldn’t be the person I am without the people God has put into my life to guide me, protect me, lead me, teach me. There are so many people – not the least of which being my dear parents – who have had a hand in shaping me, taking my natural tendencies and interests and helping mold them into the young woman (yikes, that’s a somewhat ominous phrase still) I am today. And I still have so much more to learn and see and do, so much growing yet.
The last year has been an intense period of growing for me. I met someone (a guy — shocking, I know, who’da thunk I would entertain the thought before my thirties?!),we talked, went out (!), he spent a lot of time at the house and became part of the family, I learned to love him, learned about my strengths and weaknesses in ways I never imagined, and thought that I had a pretty good handle on where God was taking me in my life — even though it was completely different from anything I had ever imagined for myself.
And I was ok with that. Better than ok, I was happy and excited and thrilled beyond belief.
Then it all fell apart – or it seemed to, anyway. My heart was broken, I lost a lot of confidence (in myself and in others — ill-placed confidence, considering the nature of humans; let’s face it, nobody’s perfect, and everyone’s capable of hurting you), and I lost a part of myself, too. I’m still remembering how to trust people and not think the worst of everyone I meet.
That’s a pretty drastic change for me; I’ve never been completely open, but I wasn’t a complete cynic and usually gave people the benefit of the doubt. Six months into this experience, I’m not as cynical as I was at the beginning; this has definitely brought me closer to the Lord in a way that I didn’t really expect. You know, to me, God seems much closer in time of pain than at other times.
Despite the hurt, the sadness, the sense of loss, the feeling of loneliness, you know what the greatest thing is about the last several months? The great thing is, I was never without hope, never really so angry or crushed by one man’s actions that I felt I couldn’t keep on keepin’ on. Even on days when I felt (and some days I still do feel this way) as if I was at the bottom, when I’d open my eyes in the morning and just want to say “NO!” and sleep forever, when I really didn’t want to keep going, because I didn’t know where I was supposed to be. Even then, I had a great Hope, and never felt as if I couldn’t go on (just because I didn’t want to, didn’t mean I couldn’t).
Because I serve a mighty God, who holds me in the palm of His hand, who knows the number of hairs on my head and who is completely sovereign and has all things in my life to work out for my good and His glory. The One True God who feeds the sparrows, and clothes the lilies, whose name is Wonderful, the Prince of Peace, Redeemer, Counselor, King.
Praise God that my hope isn’t in the promise of a wedding (and marriage), or a successful relationship, or how successful I am at work, or whether or not I’m going to college yet (which I’m not…), or my family, or friends… My hope is in the constant, fulfilled promise of my Redeemer, who sits on the eternal throne with the Father.
Even in the midst of tears and the disappointment and the heartache and the worry, I can go to my God and cry “Guide me, Oh, Thou great Jehovah!” (here’s a link, it’s a terrific hymn; scroll down for lyrics: http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/g/u/guideme.htm ) and “know what wealth of grace is Thine” (that one’s from “Jesus I am Resting, Resting”, another terrific hymn).
Lord willing, I have many more years to learn. In my (short) 20 years, the greatest thing I have learned – what I’ve learned in the last six months, specifically – is that the only sure thing (besides death and taxes :P ) is Jesus. I’m not promised tomorrow. I’m not promised sunshine and roses (cue song: “I Never Promised you a Rose Garden” hehehehe). He’s all I have. He’s all I’ll ever have.
And He’s enough. Enough for every trial and every heartache. Enough to get through every moment of every day. Enough for every step, because sometimes, you can’t look at the road in front of you; if you do, you run the risk of being overwhelmed and losing sight of your purpose (whether you like it or not, that purpose is to glorify God); sometimes you have to take life and everything in it one step at a time. If you believe in Him, He’ll be there. And He’ll be more than enough.
I’ll try to update again soon with news on family stuff. For now, I just wanted to share this with you.